Refinement

August 9th. 

My due date. 

A baby I loved so deeply. A baby I’ll always remember. A season of my life I never want to forget about. I want healing, but I don’t want loss of memory. 

I didn’t have the gumption for this on the day I thought I should have. THE day - August 9. The due date for Baby January. This was our first miscarriage. I say first because we have lost baby July now, too. I haven’t processed Baby July yet, because I’m still mourning Baby January. We got to see our first baby 3 times before he was gone by the third ultrasound. And frankly, I’m still in the pits of it all. March will probably be hard too. Not that I want it to be hard, but I know that when it comes, it’ll hit me hard. 

I really feel for Scott. He is struggling with this all too and trying to support me in the process. I’m not much of a flat line either. I’m either sobbing or yelling or just downright grouchy. A hot mess, honestly. I don’t mean to be this way. What do you do when the enemy comes and steals from you what isn’t his to take? Jesus redeems. That’s all I have and really all I’ll ever have. He redeems, period. Truthfully - I don’t need anything else except that. The steadfast power of the Word that He will redeem all that is broken and use it for His glory. Maybe He will show us that while we are here in this earthly home. Or, maybe we need to get to Him first to see the redemption. 

I am not just a biological mom and a foster mom, but a mom of 4. Two on this side of heaven, and two with our Maker. Recently a friend of mine worded it this way - “If I’m going to be Pro-Life, I’m going to be it in all things!” She is spot on . . . I have always stood Pro-Life; But, now more than ever. There is no other way. Jesus said this first. We are here to carry on his words - all of them. Not just the ones that fit our culture today. His word is the same yesterday, today and tomorrow. Life begins with Him and it begins at conception. I miss my babies.

My marriage has changed - for the better - but so drastically in the last 9 months that I don’t want to ever forget or get used to what things used to be like. Scott and I’s marriage wasn’t bad, please don’t lose me here. We just, weren’t connected. We weren’t attending the same church - which is huge. We hadn’t been spending a lot of time together either. When we were together we were not intentional about our time. He was on his phone and I was on mine. We may have been watching a movie together but we weren’t even sitting close to one another on the couch. What happily married couple does that? Seriously, we were just two bodies. It’s not that we weren’t in love or were fighting, we just simply weren’t emotionally connected. We didn’t really think about it at the time either. We were just living. But, when we lost our baby . . . something changed. We started connecting more. Intimately, spiritually, physically - conversations became more in depth. We clearly heard God speak to us during those weeks. . . months. It’s those moments - when God is sitting in your living room with you; In your tears He is comforting and giving direction that couldn’t be more clear. Written right in the air. All we had to do was obey. We chose to do just that . . . We recognized that not being connected was going to lead us into sin and would, at some point, cause a huge issue within our marriage. God created marriage - mine - yours - for oneness, exclusively. 

“So here’s what I want you to do, God helping you: Take your everyday, ordinary life—your sleeping, eating, going-to-work, and walking-around life—and place it before God as an offering. Embracing what God does for you is the best thing you can do for him. Don’t become so well-adjusted to your culture that you fit into it without even thinking. Instead, fix your attention on God. You’ll be changed from the inside out. Readily recognize what he wants from you, and quickly respond to it. Unlike the culture around you, always dragging you down to its level of immaturity, God brings the best out of you, develops well-formed maturity in you.”

‭‭Romans‬ ‭12:1-2‬ ‭MSG‬‬

During this hard and painful season, we knew that we needed to turn away from selfish desires and actually focus on one another. “How are you, Scott? I missed you today. I love you so much! Thanks for working extra hours this week.” But even more then words of affirmation, we actually sit together on the couch now and hold hands. I try to go with Scott on errands he would normally do alone. We do more parenting together and have coffee when he gets home from work. I look forward to it and I feel so blessed to serve him. I’ll always give the disclaimer that we are not perfect people, our parenting isn’t perfect and our days are usually messy. It’s the intentionality that we have changed and are continually working to refine. I love refinement. Though, not in white flour. But in our faith journey - refinement is so good for us. We are more in tune with each other and with the Holy Spirit. 

In each one of these balloons is a mustard seed. Mark 4. We need faith the size of a mustard seed for God to grow the journey we are on. It may start small, but he will make it bigger than we ever dreamt of. I’m not on the other side of this yet. But, He is growing this mustard tree. 

“I’ll love you forever, my babies you’ll be”
I bet the heaven that Jesus is making is incredible. 

Save me a seat . . .


Today’s guest blog was contributed by Rachel Elliot. You can find her personal blog at Rich Faith Essentials on the BLOG tab.

“A little more about me. I’m Rachel. Lover of Jesus. Wife to Scott. Mom to three living girls, 1 biological, 2 foster and 2 in heaven. Chicken farmer of 12,000. I work entirely too hard. And I’m working on that sin of over doing it. I dye my hair red because it is the only part of life I have complete control over, while also being able to control the outcome :) I love gardening and canning. I drink too much coffee, not enough water, and my floors need mopped. I pray that our future is living on the farm with our yard filled with children.”