Four years ago, I was a very different woman. I was spiritually lost, battling addiction, and refusing to admit that life had spiraled wildly out of control. My life was in shambles and I drank to numb the pain of unhealed trauma and hurt. Years of sadness and isolation had compromised my mental health and I found myself sick and not able to go on any longer. I could sense that something was about to happen - that I was on the cusp of either an untimely demise or a complete resurrection of the soul. But I didn’t feel deserving of the latter.
I remember vividly the night a dark and evil force visited me in my sleep. It was very hard for me to sleep in those days, because my sickness created an intense insomnia. I kind of hovered in this purgatory of sweat and sadness, waiting for dawn to come and for the liquor store to open. I had drifted off to sleep for just a moment and in this deep sleep felt a strong hand gripping the back of my neck and it forcing my face into my pillow. Panicking, I willed myself to wake up only to find that this was not a dream and I was truly being held down. My mind raced - had an intruder come into my home? Was this how it all ended? I fought violently, kicking and screaming into my pillowcase. Finally, after an intense struggle, the hand loosened and I sprang up, ready to defend myself. To my terror and surprise, there was no one there. My eyes sprung with tears immediately, because I knew I had just been visited by a very evil force and it was there and then that I shouted out to God for help.
As a little girl, I believed that God rebuked sinners - that they were exempt from His love and not worthy of Heaven. I don’t quite believe that was what was taught to me in my Bible school, but it is what I grew to believe and it damaged my relationship with God so severely that I strayed away from Him. My faith in God never left, but I did not believe that I was morally fit for Him. This belief stayed with me until I was in my mid-30’s.
Months before the night I was visited by this dark force, I found myself going back to church. Sometimes I would stumble into a sanctuary very drunk, desperate to hear a message that would send me a sign that would give me direction. I had lost everything, including my job, and I would be homeless within the next few weeks. The messages that I heard there taught me about a much different God than the one I knew, one who saves the sick and suffering.
Each sin I committed was a
heavy
brick
that built a wall
between me and my heavenly Father.
The wall I built was so high that I thought surely He had just walked away and completely given up on me. What I found, though, was that God had drawn even closer to me and was waiting for that moment of absolute surrender. Right behind the wall I had constructed, he was patiently waiting for me. The night I called out to him, he threw his arms around me and lifted the weight that had been bearing down on my heart for a very long time. The sense of relief and protection I felt was immediate. I slept soundly for the rest of the night and the next day, I reached out for help and received the gift of drug and alcohol rehab.
The day that I owned my sin and repented was a pivotal point of my eternal salvation. To me, surrender is necessary for salvation. By turning absolutely everything over to God, I found that He will never leave me. I am human, and I will sin, but I must never let that change the relationship that I have with Him.
Isaiah 44:22 I have swept away your offensees like a cloud, your sins like the morning mist. Return to me, for I have redeemed you...
“In the same way, there is more joy in heaven over one lost sinner who repents and returns to God than over ninety-nine others who are righteous and haven’t strayed away!”
Luke 15:7
Today’s Guest Blog was contributed by Julie.
Julie Kennedy is a member of LCBC Church in Lancaster, PA. She is celebrating four years sober from drugs and alcohol and considers God her accountability partner in recovery. She has recently gone back to college to earn her bachelor's degree in Social Work and hopes to work with individuals who, like herself, have found themselves overcome by addiction.
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