Brownstown

“Brownstown”

This little town has so much history for me. But before I go there, let’s go back even further in history, come along with me, back to when I was around 14 years old. Yikes! That’s 20 years ago now 🤦🏽‍♀️😳It was then that my Grandma Strangarity was diagnosed with cancer. This diagnosis was very difficult for our family. My grandparents had habits that quite possibly led to this diagnosis. And, quite possibly wanting something to blame for suffering is common. I definitely believed there was a habit to blame. This habit we all knew was unhealthy, but it was before the campaigns to quit became commonplace. Yes, you guessed it, the habit was cigarette smoking. 

As my Grandma battled cancer, I saw her go through Chemotherapy and become very weak and very sick. It was through that experience that I vowed I would NEVER touch a cigarette. I hated what cancer did to my Grandma. I hated seeing all of her suffering. And I hated seeing the heartache in my Dad, watching his mom dying. Even if it wasn’t the cigarettes that took her life, I saw how unhealthy they made the people I loved and I wanted to honor God with my body and be healthy. 

Don’t make vows you can’t keep. God says in His Word that we should not delay in keeping our vows. Ecclesiastes 5:4 says, “When you make a vow to God, do not delay to fulfill it. He has no pleasure in fools; fulfill your vow.”

Unfortunately, fool I was. It wasn’t long after my Grandma died that I was hanging out with my best friends at the time, who happened to be quite poor company. Oh, wait, isn’t that another thing Gods Word warns us about? “Be not deceived: Evil companionships corrupt good morals.” 1st Corinthians 15:33. Face, meet palm. Boy how I wish I had followed some of the wise counsel of these scriptures, as a youth. But, I did not, and my morals did suffer as a result. I ended up neglecting my vow to never smoke and broke my own heart in doing what I believed killed my Grandma. I knew I was also disobeying the law regarding my age and I felt so terrible about that. But, not only did I feel so awful that I had done this, fallen in this way neglecting my vow, but also because I knew ultimately I was harming my own body. 1st Corinthians 6:19 says, “Don’t you realize that your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit, who lives in you and was given to you by God? You do not belong to yourself.” I wasn’t just harming my own body, but I was harming the place where my Jesus, my God, the Holy Spirit of the Most High dwells. I belong to Him. But I was treating myself like I was of such little value. 

And, I HID THIS DECISION like my life depended on it. The ONLY people who knew, for years, were my “closest friends”. In Genesis 3 God asks Adam WHY He hid... I think in our human experience we all know it was shame that hid Adam. And shame hid me. Hiding our sins and struggles NEVER EVER EVER brings about the righteousness of God, nor the freedom of man. 

Instead, hiding my sin and struggle with smoking began about a TEN YEAR journey of ups and downs with smoking. I kept it hidden from almost everyone all along that journey. I kept it hidden because I was ashamed I had gone down that path. I kept it hidden because I secretly liked it and wanted to continue using smoking socially and also whenever I was upset or stressed, as it became an outlet or a coping mechanism for me. A bad habit I wished I’d never begun. 

But there I was, Christian college bound, young adult, still smoking secretly. Although I did share on my college paperwork that I had smoked so that I was honest, I believed it was something that now that I was moving on with my life and developing new circles of friends, that somehow I would just so happen to leave that little secret behind. I was wrong. Although, for awhile I was free, hanging out with certain people brought the struggle back to the surface for me. I remember one evening I was hanging out with a friend and we were driving away from campus with the intention of “having a smoke”. We saw the Brownstown exit, which very ironically is now where I LIVE...In Brownstown, with my hubby, our five kids and my In-Laws. Anyway, we traveled down a long straight road called Main Street and near its end a sharp left curve took us past a creek and down to a pull off beside the waterfront, after a bridge. We sat. We talked. We smoked. And from then on, anytime we wanted to smoke we actually coined the term *Brownstown*. In order to HIDE our habit by coyly nicknaming smoking “Brownstown” we could then just say, “Hey wanna Brownstown?!” Sounds almost silly now. But also I just get disheartened even writing that out. How sad that I had hidden something that was so damaging to my physical health and my spiritual health too. 

Time went by and seasons changed again. God brought someone into my life who actually for the first time, challenged my smoking habit. He realized it was unhealthy and not safe to do physically. So, my then “loving boyfriend”, now long time hubby, helped me to see that I should try to stop even doing it socially or when I was stressed or upset. He helped me remember that I should be treating myself like I matter. It took me some time, and I still hid the habit, even from Sean. There were times I would on occasion still smoke. But I was having less of a pull to it. 

Then, one day I was hurting very very badly. We had recently lost our little baby Joeli Grace at five months pregnant and things in our marriage were tough too. I felt like my whole world was just so heavy for me to bear and smoking felt like an outlet that would help. 

Unfortunately, or fortunately, that last cigarette didn’t help. In fact, my lungs and my eyes burned and my heart still burned too. It was then that instead of vowing, I made a simple act of REPENTANCE. No more vows, no more ups and downs or back and forths with smoking, no more occasions, no more running to it when I was weak or hurting... just simply put, NO more SMOKING! I was done and I have not gone back to it for over ten years now. I was so repentant that I had ever even made the choice to smoke that first cigarette. My heart was rended to God and to HIS ways for my life regarding that area now! I made a decision to see that it was not helping me in any way, anyway, so why was it worth risking my health over? I had a family worth making the hard choice to quit seem worth it! Ultimately, I confessed to God and repented of the way it was pulling me away from Him and I began seeking His heart for the healing and peace I so desperately needed. 

Don’t get me wrong, there have been PLENTY of seasons, as well as moments, even recently,  that the temptation to “just have one” was weighing on me like a ten ton elephant. But I’ve successfully said, NO! For so long now that to turn back around and be UNrepentant would simply be the wrong way. I was done taking the devils lies that it would soothe me and stop the burning. I refused to believe the lie that I was not worth protecting or caring for. I stopped living like I needed a cigarette more than I needed JESUS! 

I knew I needed the grace and goodness of God like I needed breath in my once smoke-filled lungs. God was redeeming me, as I repented and turned from my sin. He gave me everything I needed, how could I seek after false hopes to comfort and heal me? 

I am not beyond falling back in to smoking or any other sin I’ve repented of... I don’t think any of us are until we one day meet our Maker in the clouds. So, with that in mind, would you pray for me when you think of me that God would strengthen me and not allow me to give in to my temptations, but to stand against them! Pray that I would honor God with my body, His temple! He is so good to us! Even when doubts and fears flood my heart and mind, His grace and His Word help me stand... 

When in doubt, don’t Brownstown. TURN around! REPENT! 

As JESUS says, “REPENT, for the kingdom of Heaven is near!” Matthew 4:17 

Some scriptures to ponder on the way today... 

“Peter declared, “Even if everyone else deserts you, I will never desert you.” Jesus replied, “I tell you the truth, Peter—this very night, before the rooster crows, you will deny three times that you even know me.” “No!” Peter insisted. “Even if I have to die with you, I will never deny you!” And all the other disciples vowed the same.”

‭‭Matthew‬ ‭26:33-35‬ ‭NLT‬‬  

“Don’t tear your clothing in your grief, but rend/tear your hearts instead.” Return to the Lord your God, for he is merciful and compassionate, slow to get angry and filled with unfailing love. He is eager to relent and not punish.”

‭‭Joel‬ ‭2:13‬ ‭NLT‬‬

 This is a picture of the pull-off in Brownstown which was once a place of hiding for me is now a place God uses to remind me to COME OUT OF HIDING! Come Out Of Hiding(Steffany Gretzinger Come Out of Hiding)